I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
