Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
