this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
