Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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