The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
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Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
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Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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