Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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