FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
His nipple licking is glorious
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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