4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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