A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
