I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
