remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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