I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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