i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
