I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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