If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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