Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
