I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
