i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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