Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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