it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
