I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
