i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
