how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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