My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
