I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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