Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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