i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
