I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
