So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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