I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
