I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
