I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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