im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
