exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
