he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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