I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
