remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
