Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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