it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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