please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She's the barista slut.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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