my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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