I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
