just tell him i said nine months
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
