Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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