dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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