I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
