i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Drunk is not a location!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
