seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you would pick up someone in the library
I've blown a few things in my day
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
