Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
