Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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