Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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