my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
