Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
