If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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