there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
