the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
