I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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